Call me sexist but I believe in gender roles and masculine men and feminine women and Ephesians 5 and Proverbs 31 and Song of Solomon marriages… Let me explain.

But first here are just a few thoughts to kick off this talk; 

First of all, I recognize that not everyone thinks the same as me and that’s okay. But don’t get offended when I start quoting the Bible’s depiction of what marriage should look like, and true biblical gender roles. I understand that the biblical view is very contrary to what society’s view is and that offends people because they don’t want to embrace the biblical construct. Am I saying they are bad for not wanting to be a Proverbs 31 woman, for example? No, that’s not up to me. Actually it’s not my place to say whether they are in the right or wrong. Especially because Paul, who was arguably one of the most influential apostles, himself said that it is better to stay single. I think the point in all this is the intention behind your lifestyle. Are you living to glorify God, or are you living what’s comfortable to you? 

Second of all, I am not at all saying every single man needs to be a hard working husband who provides for a family, and I’m not saying that every single woman was meant to be a stay at home mother who homeschools her kids and works from sunrise to sunset. The point of this post is not to convict or tell you which one is right, but rather to encourage those who are living according to God’s calling on their life to be a husband or mother. If that’s not you or your future, then move along. Maybe this post isn’t for you. Maybe you have a different calling on your life. 

This post is for those who embrace the biblical husband/wife mother/father lifestyle as seen in scripture. I have had people get offended when I start talking about being a stay at home mom and homeschooling so I want to preface this entire post that although that is my calling, I am not forcing anyone to believe the same as me, but that is the perspective I have received from reading the following scriptures. If you have received a different perspective then that is wonderful for you and I hope you still get something out of what I share.

Third, I believe that there is a need for clarity between Femininity/Masculinity and Godliness. You can be either or both. So therefore I will be defining and talking more about Godliness and the biblical definition of the roles, rather than the world’s definition. Whereas according to the bible a Godly man is a masculine man and a Godly woman is a feminine woman. Therefore taking into the assumption that a man who is not masculine is embracing femininity and vice versa for women and would consequently be going against the biblical description set up in the scriptures. 

I know, I’m confused too, it’s very hard to describe the difference. But let me give an example, Let’s take me for example. I am what you would consider to be a feminine woman, however, I still enjoy what might be considered masculine hobbies like shooting, action movies, rap music, weight lifting, and the like. Does this mean I am not a Godly feminine woman? No, because I embrace the identity God gave to me as a woman, I do not believe myself to be in a higher position than men, I do not consider myself masculine in any way, I am secure in my femininity, I believe that my place is under submission to God and man whether that is my father or someday my husband. Likewise, a man who enjoys cooking and cleaning and kids is not a feminine man, he is simply secure in his masculinity and does not see those things as a threat to his manhood. Is this starting to make a little bit more sense?

So let’s dive in! I want to start talking about the individual roles before we dive into what marriage is supposed to look like. My reason for this is because everyone starts out single before they find their spouse, so we should be focusing on becoming men or women of strength before we tie ourselves to a spouse. We should be pursuing a personal relationship with God and becoming the best version of ourselves before we bring someone else into the equation. This ought to be fun so I hope you enjoy it!

Men

Okay Fella’s! First, what does the term masculinity mean? The root word masculine simply means the characteristic attributed to men. So there you have it, a masculine man is just a manly man. I know the term toxic masculinity gets thrown around a lot lately, but it really doesn’t exist. The reason being is that masculinity in itself is not toxic, nor are men who embrace the masculinity of their sex. However, there are definitely toxic men. That comes down to the behavior of the man himself. It is unfair that an entire sex gets a bad rap due to a percentage of bad people.

What does a masculine or Biblical man look like? I’ll start with some scripture.

Wow, that’s a lot of characteristics. Let’s summarize beginning with righteous, self controlled, godly, gentle, full of integrity, encouraging, faithful, respectful, and pure. That’s not even all of them but those are the few I want to touch on. We think about men being strong and tough and sometimes rough, but a godly man puts God and others first. He pursues righteousness. A godly man respects others and uplifts them. A godly man provides for his family, and I’ll note that he should be providing for his parents until he marries and has a family of his own to support and even then, he should continue to care for and provide for his parents. A godly man treats elders with respect and those younger with encouragement and mentorship. He treats women with respect and purity. But above all he should pursue God wholeheartedly.

We tend to pollute the meaning of a masculine man in our society, when it should be the depiction of the representation of God here on earth. A man should be exhibiting the same qualities of God in the way that he becomes the reflection of the Father. This will translate to when/if a man has children of his own. Not every man is called to have a family, some are called to stay single and spread the gospel, but that doesn’t change how he should act or represent himself.

We’d be here all day trying to spell out all the characteristics of God and how they align with what a true Godly man should look like. So instead I am just summarizing. We see so often in the Bible the depiction of God being Just yet compassionate, and loving yet righteous, we see Him exhibit both strength and might while also see His devotion and gentle direction. Just simply look at the story in Exodus-Deuteronomy of the Israelites traveling through the wilderness. God disciplines them, defends them, provides for them, directs them, instructs them, but yet also demands respect and obedience. He first shows them why He is a God who deserves their love and devotion by freeing them from slavery and providing for their needs. Then He shows them that they also have to give back by obeying Him and staying faithful. 

This is all just a sliver of a glimpse of God’s characteristics as a loving Father. All of which men here on earth should be striving to be a reflection of. It is utterly impossible to be the perfect father without the help of God, even then it is still impossible. Which is why I believe the number one and most important characteristic of any man should be God fearing. A man must be seeking God with his whole heart, soul and mind, otherwise he will fail. 

In the case of single men, you are still responsible for exhibiting the Godly characteristics of the Heavenly Father whether you intend to marry and have children or not. This is the definition of a Godly man. Accepting your role in society as the picture of God on earth despite your relationship status. You simply direct your attention to other places like family, friends, ministry, etc.

Women

Women, we have to deal with a lot. But the world is divided on what femininity looks like, just the same as masculinity. There is a difference between feminine and feminist. My favorite singer has a song called feminine not feminist and the lyrics are exactly how I would describe a Godly feminine woman. I’m not going to share them because they have some strong ideas and I don’t want to lose you by potentially offending you. Here’s the thing, not everyone agrees on what a biblical woman looks like. 

Like I mentioned there is a difference between feminine and feminist. A feminist is “an advocate of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes; a person who supports feminism.” whereas the characteristic of being feminine is “having qualities or an appearance traditionally associated with women or girls.” One is an ideology, one is a characteristic. So therefore you can be a feminine feminist, technically. So that broadens the characteristics of feminine women even more to the point where I can’t tell you the exact definition of a feminine woman, based on the world’s definition. Some believe that a woman should be a stay at home mom and homeschool her children, some believe a woman should pursue a career/mission and never have kids. I cannot be the one to say what the “right” thing is for a biblical woman. All I can elaborate on is how a biblical woman should behave and represent herself in this world. 

However, we can dive into the scripture to see what a Godly woman looks like, because she does have definable characteristics. Let’s look at a few passages.

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant’s ship, bringing her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭31‬:‭10‬-‭31‬ ‭

‘ Likewise the women are to dress in suitable apparel, with modesty and self-control. Their adornment must not be with braided hair and gold or pearls or expensive clothing, but with good deeds, as is proper for women who profess reverence for God. A woman must learn quietly with all submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man. She must remain quiet. For God made Adam first, and afterward he made Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman, because she was fully deceived, fell into transgression. But she will be delivered through childbearing, if she continues in faith and love and holiness with self-control.’ 1 Timothy 2:9-15

So I want younger women to marry, raise children, and manage a household, in order to give the adversary no opportunity to vilify us. For some have already wandered away to follow Satan. If a believing woman has widows in her family, let her help them. The church should not be burdened, so that it may help the widows who are truly in need.’ 1 Timothy 5:14-16

‘ Older women likewise are to exhibit behavior fitting for those who are holy, not slandering, not slaves to excessive drinking, but teaching what is good. In this way they will train the younger women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be self-controlled, pure, fulfilling their duties at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the message of God may not be discredited. ‘ Titus 2:3-5

You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.1 Peter 3:4 (NLT)

“In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.” ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭7‬:‭34

The number one characteristic is to be respectful and reverent to both God and her husband. She is to be hard working, virtuous, submissive, modest, exhibit self control, and care for those in need. Notice how her main goal in every passage is to be respectful and submit to God. It is our duty as women to aid in the spread of the gospel, whether that be aiding our husband, or our church, or through our children, we are to be providing the support needed in order to fuel the gospel. I do want to point out that although these passages all strongly encourage being married and having kids, we know that is not always how it works out for everyone.

A godly woman presents herself with dignity and purity, not power and authority. Women are not equal to men, we are to be their helpmeet. This does not discredit our worth at all; we are all equally worthy. I’d even say that being someone’s helpmeet is an extremely powerful position to be in. Look at the example of Herod Antipas’ wife, she encouraged her husband to capture and kill John the Baptist, without her pleading he probably would have never gone through with it, but he did it as a birthday present for his daughter. So yeah, we definitely have power and influence even under submission to our husbands.

Biblical women are to teach and train up Godly children, we are to be busy at work creating and organizing and trading. She embodies gentle strength and wisdom. Wisdom is, after all, depicted in Proverbs 8 as a woman. If you are unmarried, your job is to pursue godliness and righteousness, to prepare yourself for the life God has called you to. You are to become the Proverbs 31 woman, hardworking and diligent in all you do.

If you are single then this is your time to become the best version of yourself and prepare yourself for the future God has for you. To pursue God with all your heart and mind. This is your time to embrace Christ as though you are married to him, we are his bride after all.

For me, I personally believe it is a woman’s calling to be a wife and mother and to care for her children. This is largely based on the above passage, 1 Timothy 5:14-16, where it says women are to be married and raise children so as to redeem us from the consequence of the fall. I also personally believe that I would prefer to be a stay at home mother so as to devote myself fully to the calling of being a wife and mother, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to work a job and still be a wife and mother, those women deserve much more than they are accredited to because being a mother is a full time job in itself. 

We also are told in the scriptures many times that we are to be fruitful and multiply, so if you are married, then you should absolutely be having children if the Lord permits it. It goes back to something I mentioned earlier, that what a Godly woman looks like comes down to your alignment with God’s intention for you. Are you refusing to get married and have kids because that’s your calling from God, or because you are selfish and don’t want to have to deal with all that comes from marriage and kids? That’s not for me to say or judge, but I can question your motives. If you are being called to become the next Mother Theresa then the Lord bless you.

So now that we have looked at what biblical womanhood/manhood looks like individually, let’s put them together and talk about what a godly marriage looks like! 

Marriage

I’m going to break this down in small bites because there is a lot going on in the following verses and several different topics regarding marriage. I could write a whole book just from the few scriptures I pulled up. The first topic is on how a husband and wife are to behave towards each other, pulled from Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, 1 Corinthians 11, and 1 Peter 3.

“And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭21‬-‭29‬, ‭31‬-‭33‬ 

“Wives In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

Husbands In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:1-7 (NLT)

“Instructions for Christian Households

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.” Colossians 3:18-19

“But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” 1 Corinthians 11:3 NLT

“It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.” Proverbs 21:9 (NLT)

“Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.” Proverbs 5:18 (NLT)

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:10-12

“Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her:” Proverbs 31:28 (NLT)

“A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones.” Proverbs 12:4 (NLT)

“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22

“She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.” Proverbs 5:19 (NLT)

A wife who abides by the Biblical standard of a Godly wife is one to be praised and is considered a treasure and crown to her husband. Her husband is forever captivated by her love, always satisfied. Her husband is blessed by her and he can trust her, she enriches his life. A woman who nags and complains is not worth being married to, you might as well as never married her or so Proverbs says. Husbands are likewise although there is not much instruction for husbands specifically. But we know a husband is to be honoring and loving, yet a gentle guide. He is to treat her with understanding.

If I had a penny for every time the subject of submission came up within the Christian community, I’d have enough money to publish a book about it. My goodness is this a popular debate point. There’s two opposing ideas, one is that submission is old fashioned and outdated and the other is that it is still relevant. Here’s my two cents based on all the studying I’ve done. Wives should absolutely submit to their husbands authority and allow him to lead. There’s no question according to scripture. The reason being that if you are in a Christian marriage, the husband should be someone worthy of respect and submission. Never once does the scripture give instructions for a wife to submit without immediately challenging the men to love their wives and treat her with such love and devotion that he would lay down his life for her. In fact Ephesians 5 says submit to one another.

We see the example in scripture of what the picture of marriage looks like. It is the exact replica of the Christian faith. God is over all, the husband is likened to Christ and the wife is likened to the church. Our marriage should reflect our walk of Faith. If one is lacking, it affects the picture of the other. So let’s say the wife does not respect her husband, that translates to her not respecting Christ. And if a husband mistreats his wife, he is mistreating Christ. That gets very serious very quickly. But it should never be an issue if you really are striving to be the person God wants you to be and continually seeking God. Women are supposed to be full of this internal beauty of a gentle spirit and devotion. Men are to be this picture of strength and dignity but a soft tenderness toward his wife.

My goodness, if I had a man who was strong and dignified, filled with the Spirit and authority, yet when it comes to me he is gentle and kind, compassionate and loving, and selfless. That’s marriage material right there. That’s an instant green flag, here’s my hand, let’s conquer the world together. That’s enough right there to get me fired up. It’s the same with women, if we were graceful and devoted, wise and confident, yet when it comes to our man we allow him to lead and we come alongside him to help him, we give him the reins. That right there will get your man so excited. That’s wife material right there, that’s, buy a plot of land and hand her the world on a silver platter kind of material. Can you imagine if all marriages reflected the picture from scripture? The world would be a totally different place.

“Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife.

Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a fellow believer has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the believing wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the believing husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.) Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?

Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches.”… I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.

But if a man thinks that he’s treating his fiancée improperly and will inevitably give in to his passion, let him marry her as he wishes. It is not a sin. But if he has decided firmly not to marry and there is no urgency and he can control his passion, he does well not to marry. So the person who marries his fiancée does well, and the person who doesn’t marry does even better. A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord.”

1 Corinthians‬ ‭7‬:‭1‬-‭17‬, 32-39 

Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery. Hebrews 13:4 (NLT)

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. ‘Genesis 2:24

The Advantages of Companionship

I observed yet another example of something meaningless under the sun. This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, “Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?” It is all so meaningless and depressing.

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:7-12

Okay, how can I not talk about marriage without talking about the thing that is most characteristic of marriage; intimacy. I know, it always comes back to this subject, but that’s only because marriage is the only place that we should ever be seeing physical intimacy. But I’m talking about holistic intimacy. The idea that a married couple become one entity when they wed. It’s not just about the physical stuff. Like it says in Ecclesiastes, “Two are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed”. It brings meaning to our efforts. A husband or a wife who is pursuing Christ with their whole heart as it says in 1 Corinthians 7 brings holiness to the marriage. It also says that “An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.” As a married couple your responsibility is to please and care for your spouse first then you can care for others. 

Lastly, several of the above scriptures mention how a husband and wife should behave intimately. First and foremost, you are to remain faithful to your spouse. This has lots of different meanings, many people have many different definitions for cheating. My definition is simply giving your heart and affections or desires to another. I believe Jesus also holds this definition to be true when he says in Matthew 5:28 “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Just simply desiring another person who is not your spouse is lust and therefore cheating. 

On a similar note, Paul instructed in 1 Corinthians 7 that a husband and wife must fulfill each other’s sexual needs. Point blank, period. It’s written in the bible, I didn’t make it up. I only bring this up because, 1. It’s in the scripture describing a marriage and 2. It’s really popular for a wife to deprive her husband of his desires because she’s “tired” or “has a headache”. But that only signifies that you have a problem in your marriage where someone is lacking love and attention and someone is being selfish in all areas because intimacy should be the result of a healthy and thriving marriage and when the marriage lacks, the intimacy is gone.

This scripture means that if your spouse desires you then you better have a really good reason to say no because otherwise you are falling out of line of scripture, and I’m pretty sure that’s frowned upon. Now it is not a sin to say no and it is not a command to always perform. But Paul gives a really good reason why we ought to reconsider this popular narrative. “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command.” Going back to what we talked about earlier, submission is an important aspect in a marriage. If you do not satisfy your spouse’s desires, eventually they might decide to be satisfied elsewhere, or decide to deprive you of other aspects of your marriage.

EDIT:

I just found this verse while studying the Bible and I wanted to include it as an addition.

• Malachi 2:15 Didn’t the LORD make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth.