This is for my single people, before you enter any relationship you should have a written list of values and attributes that you are looking for in a future spouse. This will help you be intentional about who you allow into your life and into your heart. Your list should include the things that are most valuable to you, for example, you want someone who holds the same beliefs as you, or someone who believes the same politically if that’s important to you. These are things you need to have written down. If you don’t have a tangible list you are more likely to pursue a relationship with someone who does not line up with your values. I encourage you to take time and write down some of the things that are most valuable to you. I call these your non-negotiables, if the person you are considering or already in a relationship with doesn’t line up with these, then they are not a good fit for you.

I also encourage you to have a tangible written list, it can be by hand or digitally, but it must be prewritten, this is because once you do find someone you are attracted to and all you have is an idea in your head, you will start to justify or mold your list to them because you think they’re cute. Rather you want them to fit your list.

I also encourage you to ask them all your non-negotiable questions on the first couple of dates. This will protect your heart until they have answered correctly. If they cannot answer your questions, then they are not the one for you. Your non-negotiable can’t be something silly like physical attributes, they have to be specific and detail oriented. My list, for example, starts with “Loves God more than anything/anyone else”. Then I go into specific beliefs I hold, such as observing the Sabbath. These are things that would be detrimental to our relationship should they not hold these same values. It also assures that they won’t just say whatever to appease me just so they can keep dating me. But rather knock them out before an attachment has formed.

Your list should have an order to it. For me I have my absolute non-negotiables at the top, listed in two seperate categories of values and goals. Next I have a new section where the “would be nice” attributes are, this is where physical attributes or personality and interests can be put.

In the same document as my list I also have listed out some of the most important questions to ask a potential partner. Some of them include digging deeper into his values and some are to dig eeper to get to know him personally. Some examples are:

“How strong is your faith?”

“What are some of your foundational beliefs you hold for your faith?”

“What are your political views?”

“What’s your favorite kind of food?”

“Are you more organized and clean or messy and disorganized?”

“If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose?”

You get the idea. They are formulated in a way that would help us get to know each other but they also tell me more about that guy than would come up in usual conversation. These are questions that almost have a hidden meaning. Mostly because if he were to answer unfavorably then that may mean that a marriage with that person and committing my life to that person may very well cause me a lot of negative emotions because I disagree. For example, if he has opposing political views on some of the matters that I consider to be important, then I cannot see myself ever being happy with him. If I, as a wife, am called by God to submit to my husband and to respect Him, but I do not agree with him on some of the most fundamental beliefs, then it simply could never work. Or if my dream home location is on an 80 acre farm with a mountain view, but his is to live in New York City with a corporate job, then sadly I could never be truly happy with him or he would not be truly happy with me.

I also have my list with a section for ideal mutual interests and ideal attributes and I did not just choose physical because who doesn’t want an attractive spouse, am I right? Mine includes characteristics such as selfless, dependable, trustworthy, positive, gentle, patient etc. I even went a step further and broke down each one of those qualities and what I mean by that. For example in Supportive I wrote: “Supportive- embraces the concept of marriage and the family structure mentioned in Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3. Whereas support means to lead but be tender in moments where I am lacking, and to encourage me when I am down. As well as correcting our children when needed yet giving them the support they need to learn their lessons and become emotionally mature. To be the head of the family yet also be a team.”

To make things even easier for myself I have another section with questions to ask once we are in a relationship as well as boundaries for intimacy and respect. This is the place where I ask the uncomfortable questions that are not appropriate for just anyone. These questions are not get to know you questions, they are aimed at personal intimacy. In other words things that are not meant for the world to know but rather they are extremely personal and intimate. Examples include asking about struggles with addictions or insecurities, parenting kids, and ideal marriage qualities (yeah including the intimate and nitty gritty details). These kinds of questions are for after you’ve established that a relationship is desired and you are compatible in the most fundamental ways. These kinds of questions would be a HUGE red flag if presented prior to a relationship being formed (situation considering, some of my questions can be asked prior to a relationship but it depends on the connection between the individuals, for example the question of how many kids has come up before i’ve pursued a relationship and it wasn’t a red flag because of the nature of the conversation).

Having a list is extremely handy when you find yourself attracted to someone and you want to see if a relationship with them would be plausible or on the flip side when someone is attracted to you but the feeling is not mutual and you need to have a reason to “reject” them, so to say. You can start with your non-negotiables and go from there. Let me tell you, it is so nice to have it pre written so that when you get into a situation you can just follow your list to see if they are worth your time. I have had a list written on my phone for a several years and it has been growing and changing as I grow and change. Anytime I found a guy that I thought may have a possibility, I would check my list, if he didn’t line up with something I immediately stopped pursuing the thought of getting to know him. This has proven to be an extremely handy tool to use in my dating life. I have both been able to confidently pursue a relationship and been able to let go of those who would not match my non-negotiables. Having a list gave me tangible reasons for why or why not to pursue them so that I could step back and make an informed and rational decision rather than an emotional and rash decision.

Can you imagine all the years of potential heartbreak having a list has saved me from? I am a people pleaser so I hate to say no and reject people, but when it is written in stone then it is easier for me. When all I have to do is say “Hey, you just aren’t what I’m looking for” or “You have a lot of qualities I appreciate” It helps to take the emotions out of it for me. Give it a try! Dig deep and personal-think about every belief, value, opinion, and goal you have. Which of those are negotiable and which are not. Think about how you want to live in the future; location, family, finances, values and so on. Think about qualities you desire in a future spouse and write them down because if you don’t then the next smoking candidate to give you attention may suddenly cause you to slip on your values because they talk so smooth and look so good and next thing you know you’re in an unhappy marriage/relationship because you allowed yourself to slip on your values.