Let’s get uncomfortable and raw!

Boundaries are vital to any respectable and healthy relationship. They are something you have to have firmly embedded in your core. You have to be able to stay true to the boundaries you set. They not only keep you safe but they also tell you what kind of person you are dating.

Boundaries are just like your list of values and attributes, your non-negotiables. I encourage you to maybe even write them on the same piece of paper. You need to have these set in stone before you become involved with anyone.Think about your values in regards to dating and intimacy. Now I will warn you, it’s uncomfortable to bring up and talk about them because they need to be one of the first things discussed in a relationship. Without boundaries you cannot have a foundation of respect towards each other.

Boundaries are not just specifically touching and intimacy, they can be time boundaries, topic boundaries, location boundaries, you need boundaries in every aspect of life. Although, boundaries in regards to intimacy are the most talked about so other boundaries typically get put on the back burner and never addressed.

When you are in a relationship what steps towards intimacy are comfortable with? A very common boundary in the purity culture is no kissing until marriage, is that something you value? How do you feel about touching? Are you comfortable holding hands, or hugging? Think about every part of your body from your head to your toes. What are you comfortable with happening to your body before marriage? What values do you hold? If you are a Christian I urge you to consider saving sex for marriage. Not only is it smart emotionally, but it is actually commanded by God. It is a sin and considered adultery to have sex with anyone other than your spouse. 

“Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” ‭‭‬ 

1 Corinthians‬ ‭6‬:‭18‬-‭20

‘ “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘

Matthew 5:27-28

Not to mention so many studies have been done to show that there is an actual emotional connection that occurs when two people have sex, a connection that is not easily severed. Some people think of sex solely as intercourse, others think of it as any kind of sexual touch. These are things you need to take into consideration while you are forming your boundaries. Because there is a huge difference between those two things. You need to decide what you define as sex so that you can determine your boundaries. If you just tell someone no sex, but they have a different understanding than you, then that is not a safe space to be in.

Everyone holds different standards of what an appropriate touch means to them. If you don’t lay down the law for yourself you’re going to find yourself in a relationship in which your date is trying to touch you in ways you deem inappropriate but they consider to be innocent or vice versa and it causes a lack of respect and trust. For example, some people consider placing a hand on their date’s thigh to be innocent, others do not, wouldn’t you hate to be somewhere and that miscommunication happens and you feel violated or like you violated them? That’s why boundaries in all aspects of touch and intimacy are so important!

Something else I want you to think about while we are on the subject of boundaries and respecting one another is this; not every relationship goes on to marriage, are you treating them like they are potentially someone else’s spouse? Unless you are committed through marriage, there is nothing saying they are yours. So it is not your right to treat them as such. This especially applies in the subject of physical intimacy. The bible is clear that any sexual relationship outside of marriage is adultery so thus any kind of sexual intimacy in any committed relationship outside marriage, is still adultery. 

There’s a passage of scripture in 1 Corinthians 7:36 that addresses this situation. “But if a man thinks that he’s treating his fiancée improperly and will inevitably give in to his passion, let him marry her as he wishes. It is not a sin.” This implies that though they are engaged, giving in to your passions before marriage is a sin, whereas marrying them because you cannot control your passion is not. That means that sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin, even if you are engaged.

So treat every date as though they are someone else’s potential spouse. Treat them with respect, honor, and dignity. So that if you do break up, there is no shame between you two. Everyone should be treated with respect no matter the relationship, how much more so in an intimate relationship built on trust and respect?

Let’s talk about boundaries in other areas of our lives. One of the other most common and obvious boundaries we may set are time boundaries. For example, a father setting a curfew. Or setting a time limit for how long phone calls go or how often you spend time together, or not allowing phone calls, texting, or visiting after a certain time. Or even just setting the boundary of not communicating during work hours. The list could go on forever because it is really very specific to your situation, but I think you get the idea. These kinds of boundaries allow for a precedence to be set and respect to be built. This allows freedom and space from each other but also gives anticipation and expectation for when you do see each other again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Like I said before, your boundaries are very specific to who you are as a person and the values you hold. Maybe a boundary you personally have is avoiding certain subjects in conversation, or avoiding locations, or people. As you can hopefully deduce there’s quite the list of potential boundaries, but I highly suggest you plot out what your boundaries are for yourself and have them firmly memorized so that when the subject comes up, you are able to lay down your boundaries, and if they are a worthy and honorable person, they should respect your boundaries.

If your date consistently tries to push you in your boundaries, or questions your boundaries, or blatantly ignores your boundaries, then they are not worthy of your time and attention and you need to let them go before you both do something you’ll regret. You also have the freedom and right to make up a boundary at any point during a relationship if you come across something that makes you feel uncomfortable and they should respect that.