This is a multiple point subject, but basically the gist of it is, keep it positive. 

But getting down to the details-don’t spread negativity about them to other people. Your friends and family don’t need to hear everything that irritates you. If you have an issue with them, take it to them. Discuss it and work through it like adults instead of gossiping to your friends. This is a biblical command to us from Jesus.“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.” Matthew 18:15

In the same exact way, talk positively about them to others. Edify them in your conversations with your friends. Don’t just say “the wife” say “my wife” or something along those lines. Same goes for women, compliment your man when you talk about him. I hear of so many spouses who talk negatively about their spouse to others. That is no way to treat a relationship.

Have a marriage counselor from the beginning of your marriage who can be the one to help you work through disputes and disagreements when you can’t work through them on your own. Do not talk to your parents or friends about your issues because this causes them to begin to have negative feelings towards your spouse and causes issues with their relationship. Not to mention your friends can’t change the situation so griping to them does no good and only spreads negativity. 

The next point is to encourage them and speak life into them. It never pays to harp and gripe on your spouse. If you have an issue, bring it up and talk about it. If they still don’t change, then you need an outside perspective. (Matt 18:16-17) But don’t just keep nagging. Speak encouragingly to them. One thing I learned from the 5 Love Languages book is if you have an issue with someone first check to see if you are doing what you can to not irritate them. Check yourself first, then ask them if there is anything they would like to see you change and make that change. Then ask if they are open to perspective. Then you can offer your perspective on the issue. 

For example, say your husband always leaves his clothes on the floor and you’ve nagged him every day about it but still he refuses to change. See if there is one thing you can do to encourage him and uplift him. Maybe it’s as simple as telling him you’re proud of him every morning. Something outside of what you already do and don’t bring up that issue again. Then you can bring up the question to him if there is anything he has noticed you doing that you can change. Then follow through. Once he feels heard and respected and encouraged, he will reciprocate and offer to change. If not, bring it up, ask if he’s open to hearing your perspective and suggestion. NOT instruction, not telling him what to do, but rather telling him how it makes you feel and your preference to see a change. 

Like for example “Honey, I know that you value our relationship and want to see us continually growing, are you open to hearing a suggestion?” If he/she says no, then drop it and continue to sow into them. You can then bring it up at a later time. If they say yes, then offer your suggestion in a positive productive manner. “I’ve noticed you have a tendency to leave your clothes on the floor, is there something I can do to make it easier on you so that they go in the hamper?” It’s uncomfortable to bring up conflicts and stay positive, but if you value your relationship you will put in the effort to continue to be proactive about bettering your relationship. 

The other flip side of that is just complimenting the heck out of them. Make them feel good about themselves. Encourage them with your words and your attitude. 

*Pro tip from an amateur with tons of mentors and reading under her belt, the more you make them feel good about themselves, the bigger return on investment-if you know what I’m saying… they will want to reciprocate those feelings and make you feel special and loved. Especially men, they love to have their ego boosted and when they are feeling good about themselves they will treat you ladies like an absolute queen. And men, if you uplift and compliment your lady, she will be on cloud nine and feel more loving and intimate toward you. 

This is something I learned from the book Love and Respect, Men crave respect and women crave love. If you feed into their most innate and carnal desires, they tend to reciprocate with yours. Just try it and see how big of a difference it makes in your relationship. Something I hope you take away from this series is that relationships are a two way street that require sacrifice and selflessness. You can’t only be seeking self gratification in your relationship, a thriving and healthy relationship includes putting their needs/wants/desires above your own.

Lastly pray with them and for them. Oh my word, does this radically benefit your relationship. I can’t even express the kind of impact prayer has on a relationship. It will strengthen and unify you both. If you pray for your spouse/significant other it will dramatically improve your love and affection for them. God has a way of blessing relationships built on faith and prayer. Trust in God is the absolute most beneficial thing for your relationship.