This one kinda comes with the territory of “getting to know them” but it’s surprising how some aspects of these topics can get overlooked. Sure you talk about the hot topics in politics and religion, but do you guys dive deep into the personal stuff? Do they know exactly where you stand on your beliefs and values? These are vital to know about your potential spouse. Imagine the headache you would save yourself in the future knowing where they stand on certain issues. 

What if something comes up that you had never discussed before, and come to find out that you have two stark opposite beliefs on an issue and it causes a rift in your relationship? Whereas if you had discussed it before it became a problem, it could have saved a lot of emotional baggage. This is just one scenario. There are many cases in which a lack of common ground in understanding can cause issues. 

I can personally attest to this one. I recently was talking with a guy that really had a lot of very similar beliefs and values, almost uncanny with how similarly we thought. But as we talked deeper and more specifically on our deep spiritual beliefs, it turned out that we had one belief that was drastically different to the point that I could not continue that relationship. Imagine if we had not talked on our deeply held spiritual beliefs or I had ignored that, and we had gotten emotionally invested in each other. A lot of hurt could have come out of that if I hadn’t had the foresight to discuss these things.

I’m not saying you both have to believe the same thing. Although it is very convenient and easy, it certainly isn’t necessary. You just have to make sure you are firm in your beliefs and are not easily swayed by any form of manipulation. You also have to be sure that it won’t cause devastation to your relationship. Think of everything through the filter of what you will be teaching your future kids. If you have two opposite beliefs, how are you going to raise those kids, whose values get instilled in them?

I am saying, however, that you must NOT be unequally yoked. It is far too detrimental to a relationship if one is a Christian and the other is not. Missionary dating is not a good idea and rarely turns out the way we want it to. People change for the ones they love, but what happens when the “love” wears off? It rarely sinks deep to their heart. If you are trying to convert them while dating or even married, chances are you are the one who is going to convert, sadly. Satan has an extremely tricky and firm grasp on the world and he loves to slowly destroy a Christian’s integrity, the best way to do that is through the people closest to us. I’m not saying it’s not possible, I’ve seen many positive, healthy marriages come from missionary dating, where both spouses are firm in their faith now and growing, I just don’t recommend it.

Talk about stuff like how do you want to raise your kids? What values do you want instilled into them? Do you believe in gentle parenting or traditional punishment? Think about how you envision raising your kids and see if they have the same vision. Talk about all your values and morals and make sure you come to an agreement on them. Again I am not saying every value and moral needs to match exactly, but you definitely need to make sure it won’t be something that would cause problems in the future. 

Like if you are totally into climate change and your boyfriend isn’t, then is that something that would hinder a healthy relationship or is it just a difference that can add dynamic to your relationship? If he is very adamant about giving to charities but you could care less about the charities and would prefer to save the money, is that going to cause stress and strain on your marriage or is that something you can overlook. If you are against abortion and he is for abortion, is that going to contribute to issues down the road?

So take the time and talk through your most important and firm beliefs, values and morals; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Make sure you both know where you stand on both hot topics and hidden issues. Please do not think that you can convert your boyfriend/girlfriend by dating them, it is a bad idea. Finally, stand firm in your convictions, don’t let anyone sway you or turn you away from what you know to be right.