I mean we all want to find “the one” right? We all desire to just click and “match” with someone. It’s not as easy as the dating services make it seem. You can’t just click a button or fill out a questionnaire and voila there’s your forever person. There is some measure of trial and error. You still have to get to know them and learn who they are and what they stand for. If you’re lucky and by the grace of God, they may very well be the first one you date, but for the majority of people, you kinda have to go through a process to find the right one. 

That’s part of the purpose of this series, is to help you in that process of finding the right marriage partner. Things like what questions to ask, ways to develop a strong relationship and ways to keep a strong relationship. But ultimately it’s all guided by God. So I am including this to give a good test for whoever it is you are considering. This test can help you gauge if they are worthy of you and or if you are a good match. 

So let’s dive into the details here. You have most likely read the passage of scripture in Ephesians where it talks about wives submitting to your husbands and husbands loving your wife more than life. We all take that verse at its face value as being between husbands and wives and anyone else can just skip over until it applies. What if I were to flip the narrative? What if I were to say look at it in the light of the present looking to the future? Let me explain. If you are a woman, for example, and the thought of submitting to the man you are with right now feels wrong or like it might have negative spiritual or physical repercussions, then that is a fantastic way to gauge if he is a worthy man for you. 

“And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭21‬-‭33‬ ‭

Now before you shut me down, I know the term “Submit” has some negative connotations in today’s world, women’s rights and such, but it is not all about just laying down and letting your husband walk all over you. But rather it is more of the biblical picture of the husband being the head of the family and the wife ultimately needing to allow the husband the authority granted to him by God, and it is the husband’s responsibility to honor the wife and consult her, because they are one. 

Back to the point. If you are a woman and you are dating a man and the idea of submitting or respecting him makes you uncomfortable, because either he is controlling or abusive or submitting to him would mean hell for you. Then get that man out of your life asap! If submitting to him would bring negative consequences, girl dump him. I don’t care how nice he is, or how this or that he is, honey he does not value you more than himself. That is a big red flag. However, if you are uncomfortable with it for no other reason than selfish reasons, then I would like to pose the question of whether you are ready for marriage or even a relationship?

My sister often reminds me that this passage is the basis of your search for a relationship, especially for women. She likes to say it is harder for a woman to find a man worthy of submitting to than it is for a man to find a woman willing to submit. But this is not always the case, there are some pretty stubborn women out there. But I want to remind you that as women it is our job to submit to our husbands, therefore the man you choose must be someone you are willing to let make all the spiritual, financial, familial, and social decisions for your family.

Is he someone you could allow to lead you spiritually? Do you agree with him on all aspects of your theology? This is huge! He could be the nicest, most gentle, caring and loving man in the world but if there are major spiritual differences you will never be able to fully submit without compromising your beliefs. For example, One of the guys I was in a relationship with was exactly what I was looking for in almost every aspect. He checked all the big boxes, except one. He had one major spiritual belief that differed from me. We probably could have been very content to go on with life because all of the functional aspects of our spiritual beliefs aligned. But I could not face the thought of allowing myself to fully submit to him and allow him to lead my future children with this difference. Am I saying his belief is wrong, no, that’s not for me to decide. It was just different from what I understand of the scriptures. Therefore we were not fully compatible.

I also want to be clear, you will never fully 100% agree with your spouse on everything, there will always be differences based on different interpretations of scripture, upbringing, and divine revelation. So not every spiritual difference is a stop sign. You have to decide for yourself what your non compromising beliefs are so that any challenge that comes along you have a foundation to stand on. See James 1:6-8.

‘But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. ‘James 1:6-8

On the flip side, the passage in Ephesians talks about husbands loving their wife as Christ loved the church, aka, to lay down his life for her. If you are a man and you do not see yourself having the respect and honor enough to lay down your life for the woman you are with, then she may not be the one for you. If she does not have the virtue to earn your respect, then move on. There’s better fish in the sea. Although just like I said previously, if you are just being selfish and just want to choose you over her, then perhaps you are not ready for marriage, or a relationship.

So if you are dating someone and the thought of placing them inside this scripture has you reeling or very uncomfortable, then I would recommend you consider those feelings and really weigh them. Because if you cannot love and respect your spouse enough to follow this scripture, then I’d wager there is a bigger problem between you two, and what better time to discover this than before you are married?

Another way to assess the person you are with to see if they are a good fit for you is to replace their name with the word “love” in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. This is a fantastic way to test their character to see if they are as good of a person as they say they are. 

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬-‭7‬ 

Now obviously absolutely no one ever has been perfect in all these areas, but if they abide by these characteristics in general and on the regular, then that is a worthy person. I encourage you to pursue assessing their character by continuing to get to know them. This is the way to find a truly sincere life partner, one who values the Lord and others before themselves.

I know it’s harsh, scripture is a very strict judge. But let’s be honest, life is far too precious to waste even a moment longer than necessary with someone who does not deserve your respect and honor. Marriage is meant to last a lifetime and if a lifetime feels like too long with this person, they are not good for you. God has better plans for you. How many people enter into a lifetime commitment with someone on hasty emotions, only to realize they are not as honorable or trustworthy or even just compatible as they thought. 

Emotions cloud our judgment so much. That is why I highly recommend dating with intention to marry or courting. Because it takes it to a deeper level where you have to remove the emotions and analyze them for who they are, not how they make you feel. If you date/court in a more public and or group setting this can also give outside people the ability to observe and catch onto things you may miss due to emotions. Other people are able to catch red flags better than those involved in the relationship, because they are unbiased by emotions.

If you want a more detailed list of characteristics to look for in the opposite spouse, I did a post on Biblical Gender Roles not too long ago in another series. Linked here:

https://deepthoughtswithnakia.com/2023/11/14/biblical-gender-roles/: Relationships: Finding “The One”