This is a popular opinion in the world. We hear so often that the “wife is always right” and “happy wife, happy life”. This gives women the excuse to be absolute bears to their husbands and for the husband to roll over and bow. But this is an extremely anti-biblical construct. In fact it’s the exact opposite to how God designed the construct of marriage. The bible tells us that the wife should submit, honor, and respect her husband.

You might call me sexist or anti-feminist and you might be right in one of those aspects. I am anti-feminist. Mostly because Feminism is a construct designed to elevate women above men and encourages them to disrespect the God given authority and position over them. But I’m also not sexist in the true definition of the word. I do not hate women and I do not think that men are better than women. Call me a biblical genderist. Where I see that God created men and women with different skillsets and purposes. God created marriage to be a symbiotic relationship where a man and woman come together to create a powerful dynamic. This picture of marriage can be explained in the following passage.

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. 

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:21-33

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly. Colossians 3:18

“Wives: In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

Husbands: In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:1-7

I’ve mentioned this before but I feel like this is such a hard topic for women to come to terms with because our society encourages women to be strong and pushes the narrative that we shouldn’t be letting men run our lives. This translates to many marriages, unfortunately and encourages women to be the head of the household and make the decisions.

Unfortunately this causes dysfunction in the marriage and can lead to divorce or just a miserable marriage. God created marriage to be an earthly picture between Christ and the church as described in the above Ephesians 5. “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word… As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.” So if God created marriage to be a picture of our relationship with Christ then that means women playing that leadership role is likened to a Christian telling Christ what to do and being in charge of Christ… 

So let’s unpack what the wife’s role in a marriage should be. First the scripture says to submit to your husband. I’ve studied many different definitions on what submission should look like in the family and the number 1 most common definition is;

As a team you and your husband work together but you allow him to lead when he needs to and come under his authority. You let him make the final decision after you both have prayed and offered your opinion.

Again if we think about it in the picture of our relationship with Christ, we should allow Christ the authority over our lives, but that does not mean we have lost our individuality and autonomy. We simply follow His lead in our lives. The same is true in a marriage. Although the wife has her individuality, her and her husband are one and should therefore act as a unit, as a team. 

Submission is not about letting him run your life but rather allowing him the space to be the head of the household and the man that God is calling Him to be. It is an unselfish and sacrificial love. It is changing your mindset from a “I/me” mindset to a “we/us” mindset. John Piper wrote this about submission: “If you bring to the Bible your preconceptions, you might just throw the baby out with the bath water, and say “If that’s what submission means then I’m out of here.” That would be very sad. You may be right, you may be wrong, but it would be sad. I wrote down six things submission to a husband in marriage is not:

1. Submission is not agreeing on everything.
2. Submission does not mean leaving your brain at the altar
3. Submission does not mean you do not try to influence your husband
4. Submission is not putting the will of your husband before the will of Christ
5. Submission does not mean getting all of her spiritual strength through her husband
6. Submission does not mean living or acting in fear”

Submission is 

1. Discussing your opinions and allowing Him the space to decide.
2. You still have your individuality and creativity.
3. Providing input and a second opinion, adding to his thoughts so that together you are better than one. It means working together.
4. Still allowing Christ to lead in your marriage even if your husband does not follow.
5. Pursuing your relationship with Christ and strengthening your own faith
6. Still putting your submission to Christ first your husband second, if he is a good man then he should be loving you as Christ loved the church and therefore you should feel safe and secure in your submission to him.

Ultimately your submission to Christ is first, if your husband is acting outside of the will of God and not allowing you the autonomy to be a helper and help guide him, then that is when you need to come under the authority of Christ. Let go of your selfish desires and seek God’s wisdom and direction. Unless he is harming you or going against God’s laws, you must be under submission to your husband.

Another definition I came across in my studies for the word submission was “Subject to the mission.” As a husband and wife you two should have a common goal, or a common mission. Therefore your role as wife should be to become subject to that mission, aiding in its reality. Submission can be thought of like this, respecting your husband’s role in the marriage and submitting to his authority. The bible says that “two shall become one”, Wherein the image of that singular body, the husband is the head, and the wife is the hands. It is not the wife undermining and questioning the decision of the husband rather weighing input and trusting him to make the right decision.

A common theme I have seen in Proverbs and throughout the bible, is a concept that really I think all men can agree on, that a nagging or quarrelsome wife is annoying. Let’s not fool ourselves, everyone can agree that someone who whines and complains and nags, is a pain. I found five verses that all say the same thing with pretty much the same exact two illustrations, just slightly different variations. 

Proverbs 25:24 It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

Proverbs 21:19 It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.

Proverbs 27:15 A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.

Proverbs 21:9 It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

Proverbs 19:13 A foolish child is a calamity to a father; a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping.

Hmm I wonder if a quarrelsome wife is annoying… I think Solomon would know, he did have 700 wives and 300 concubines, all of which complained to him so much that he let them have their way and built altars to their gods against the one true God’s will. But in all seriousness, he did have a point. No one likes someone who is negative and always looking to start fights, much less do they want to live with them. So why on earth would you want to be the annoying wife who does nothing but start fights? Apparently it’s more comfy to live in the desert than with her. 

So now that I’ve given an example of what not to be like, and I’ve defined your role as a wife, what does a “good” wife look like? Have you ever heard of Proverbs 31? The whole chapter is laying out what a virtuous wife looks like.

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.  Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant’s ship, bringing her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.” Proverbs‬ ‭31‬‬:‭10‬-‭31‬

Does that sound like someone who is oppressed and a slave to her husband? No, quite the opposite, this passage describes a woman of strength who makes deals and gives wisdom. She is the rock and guiding force within the home. It says her husband praises her and she is honored and respected. Now I would like to point out that though she is evidently a homemaker, she also conducts business in buying and selling of goods and properties. So it is absolutely within the biblical construct of marriage and being a homemaker, for the woman to earn money and keep busy outside of the home in addition to homely duties.

One other thing I would like to point out though, is that she is not the main breadwinner, nor does she dishonor or thwart her husband, rather she supports him and honors him in her dealings. She also does not give up her homemaking duties or raising her children in order to pursue a career. She simply provides what she can as an incorporated aspect of her homely duties. 

A virtuous woman is this strong driving force who supports her husband and rears her children with wisdom and kindness. She is the one who provides the nurturing aspect in the home. She helps her husband in his position as head of the household to come along and support him, encourage him, and collaborate with him. This does not mean that the wife is a servant to her husband. A marriage is made to be a symbiotic relationship in which the husband offers love, protection, provision, direction, honor, attention, and strength, and the wife is meant to provide love, comfort, support, assistance, affection, respect, nurturing, and encouragement. It is a relationship of give and take, of sacrifice and compromise but also love and honor and respect. It’s a two way street.

To wrap up, remember we began talking about the phrase “happy wife, Happy Life” after expanding on what the bible says a good wife looks like, I hope we can all agree that this statement is anti-biblical, no matter how empowering or good it feels, it is simply against God’s view of marriage. Yes, I realize that our culture is different and women have a higher place on the social ladder now, but that does not matter because looking deeper into the scriptures and you can see that this biblical view of marriage, when done with Christ leading, is very empowering to women and gives them a place of strength. It allows us to be honored and respected and not at the expense of men, but rather alongside men.