Should Christians marry non Christians?

1 Peter 3:1-2 ‘Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. ‘

1 Corinthians 7:12-17 ‘Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a fellow believer has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the believing wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the believing husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.) Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches. ‘

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 ‘ Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.”’

James 4:4 ‘You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. ‘

Matthew 19:4-6 ‘He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” ‘

Hebrews 3:12 ‘Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. ‘

Ephesians 5:1-13 ‘ Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous ( that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, ‘

What does the phrase “Unequally Yoked”, also known as “Missionary Dating” really mean and where does it come from? 

In biblical times two oxen would be fastened together by a wooden frame placed around their necks in order to equally share the workload of plowing. If one is unequally yoked it typically means one side is more heavily burdened than the other. Likewise in marriage, we see in the above passages that two united in marriage become one. Therefore they become yoked. The scriptures are very clear on God’s opinion of yoking yourself or binding yourself to darkness or those who are a friend to the world.

There are two ways we can look at this idea of yoking when it comes to partnership in marriage as Christians.

Two Christians in a partnership would share an equal burden as their purpose is the same.

However when one is a believer and the other is not, it leaves a heavier burden to one.

To the Christian they now have this burden of being pulled between the world and living as Christ. It causes strife and derision in the partnership. Likewise scripture says the yoke of sin is heavy but the yoke of Christ is light. So the unbeliever is pulled back and weighed down by distractions while the Believer is free from that burden. Yet when you yoke yourself with someone already heavy laden, that burden transfers to your yoke as well.

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5‬:‭1‬ “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭28‬-‭30‬ “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.””

‭‭ Isaiah‬ ‭58‬:‭6 ““Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke?”

‭‭‬ So imagine it like baggage, a direct and very obvious comparison. The world gives us lots of baggage, scripture even tells us that all has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). But that Christ bore our burdens on the cross to take our sin from us (Romans 1:24-25). Consequently with every passing day more baggage is added to one’s load, unless they give it to Jesus. 

Therefore a Christian’s load is quite light, nothing if they so choose. Whereas someone who has not chosen to give up their burdens to Christ still has a heavy load, that is ever increasing. “Yoking” yourself or maybe another way to look at it is, going on a hike with someone who carries a heavy burden would then become a burden for you. As you go along you would be tempted to hang back with them, maybe even take a bag or two from them. But all the while you are being pulled further away from your purpose.

Or at least this is the predominant message we hear, but what if there is another meaning that can be understood from this message? What if there is another way of understanding our yoke? 

This concept is taught often enough that I feel like it is common knowledge at this point. Whether we follow the advice or not. Missionary dating is generally looked down on. I’m not even saying we should never lend an ear to the unbelievers or even date someone without faith, but we should not marry one.

But what if Unequally Yoked can also hold an alternative meaning? 

Everyone has a faith and belief that is unique to them. There are tons of different denominations and factions of Christianity. But I don’t think a Catholic would go very well with a nondenominationalist or a Baptist and a Calvinist without quite a bit of conflict or compromise or an understanding being reached. There are just some differences in belief that affect your ability to equally share the partnership.

So I want to open your perspective to looking at your potential future spouse from a little more critical lens. If your faith is important to you then your spouse should have the same faith and beliefs. Not everything has to line up exactly but the fundamentals have to be the same. 

Let’s bring it back to those scripture passages from earlier. Not that different Christian beliefs are bad or sinful but they have different dynamics where if you have two in a partnership and they have different fundamental dynamics, it causes heavy yokes and strife. If one has always plowed the field in a circular format and the other has always plowed it in straight lines, there will be strife. One either has to compromise or they are constantly fighting against each other until they agree to an understanding. 

Likewise if one has grown up in a very strict or ceremonial based faith whereas the other has grown up in a very libertarian or free thinking faith, they might have different perspectives of what practical faith, worship, and a relationship with God looks like. Hear me, I am not saying different denominations are bad, I think God created it to be this way to reach different people. Besides, as we know, the most important aspect of Christianity is our belief in Christ the son as our Savior for the forgiveness and repentance of our sins through God the Father, the one true God and through the working of the Holy Spirit. Outside of that, your individual beliefs are just semantics not salvation.

But semantics still deeply affect relationships, so while they do not change your salvation, they do change how you live your life and the way in which you worship. Remember yoking yourself or marrying someone is a covenant not to be taken lightly or easily broken, but we’ll get into that a little later in the series. So I want you to take that into consideration as you have conversations and pursue a potential spouse.

Ladies, as women we have the role of supporting our husbands and being their helpmeet (Gen 2:18). The biggest aspect of this is we need to be so secure in his Spiritual Leadership that we can follow his lead. That means you have to trust his faith and relationship with God and if you have differing functional faiths, it makes it hard to submit to his leadership because we cannot trust his beliefs or decisions. It may even cause us to go against a conviction we hold to, which is a sin. (James 4:17)

Men, you should be looking for a woman who is capable and willing to allow you to lead her spiritually. She should be in alignment with you and your faith so she can rest in your leadership. Knowing that your relationship with God is so solid and that the decisions you make will make her feel heard and supported as well.

I will go more into this concept of spiritual leadership and submission in the next post but for now I feel that is enough explanation on that particular subject.

I hope you are understanding my explanation of the differences in perspective. Life is hard and messy and full of ups and downs, this we know. But why cause yourself more trouble by purposefully entering into a permanent contract that guarantees conflict? In my opinion this is selfish and stupid. However, I am not saying it is always the wrong decision. Sometimes God leads us onto a path for a reason.

Look as the story of Hosea the prophet. He was commanded by God to marry a prostitute who did not quit working during the duration of their marriage. Rather she bore children of unknown paternity. The purpose in this was a lesson for Israel to see how their love for the gentiles caused them problems. I have in my life known of many wonderful marriages that began with two people who couldn’t have been on more different of a page spiritually, but they came to an understanding that brought glory to God and peace within themselves. So it is possible to begin getting to know one another when you do have differing beliefs. Just don’t marry them without having come to a spiritually sound and pure agreement under the full knowledge of God’s blessing. And don’t compromise on beliefs you feel convicted by.