Here’s the thing, if you guys are looking to get married as the ultimate goal for your relationship then you need to have the conversation of what life would look like as a married couple. For example, should the wife work? Who does the housework? Things like, how would you structure your family dynamic? Who’s the main disciplinarian with your kids? What will your family social life look like? Healthcare preferences for your kids? And so on.
I was scrolling Pinterest a while ago looking for questions to ask a future potential spouse. I was in the process of looking to revamp and redo my list of non negotiable values as well as questions to ask in order to determine relationship compatibility. I was preparing myself for when I would start dating again. I like to have these things saved in my phone for when the opportunity arises. Here is a post I found listing some of the questions I would agree are vital to talk about in a serious relationship before making a commitment;
(I am including this link so you can go pin it on your page so you can go back to it whenever you want.)
It is vital be on the same page when it comes to what you want your marriage and family to look like. This ties into what I have mentioned in earlier posts where you discuss your 3-5 year plan and goals for your life. Because if you guys have different ideas for your marriage and family, then any union would be founded on rocky ground, ready to crumble at any moment. The topics you would bring up at this stage in the relationship are typically things that are important but are not necessarily red flags if viewed differently. However they can definitely be red flags depending on your conviction in the matter.
A mentor of mine once said that red flags in a relationship can turn into black holes in a marriage. What that means is, anything that you see as a red flag, if it is not brought up and dealt with, then when you do get married that red flag turns out to be a big problem. It causes all sorts of strife and enmity between you two.
As an example, one of the questions listed above is “how will we handle money and finances as a couple?”. Let’s say she likes to impulsively shop for things online. That’s not initially a red flag, but she has no sense of a budget and does not handle finances in a smart manner which is a red flag. To her all she’s ever known is make money and spend money. Now they get married and life hits hard and finances get tight and she still has a habit of impulse shopping. What started out as an innocent habit, is now a big problem. Or what if she doesn’t want to work forever and he is counting on a double income. But they never talk about it until one day, two kids in and she’s ready to quit. See how the little red flags can turn into big black holes?
Or let’s take disciplining your kids as an example. Say you firmly believe in soft parenting and positive reinforcement, yet your partner believes in spanking and grounding and all the traditional forms of punishments. Would this cause an issue further down the road if you both refuse to change your opinions? Would it cause strife in your marriage when you start to have kids? Would it cause your children to rebel against one or both parents? The answer could be yes to any of these and you need to decide if that is something you are willing to work with or if that is going to be something that will become too big of an issue.
One of the biggest topics that create strife and usually end in divorce, is family planning. This is something that should be discussed before you get too far into your relationship. I know it’s seen as a red flag if they ask you how many kids you want on the first date, but it’s a serious question. What happens if you both shy away from asking because it’s weird, and then after being married you realize you never talked about it and you have different opinions. Wouldn’t it be easier to just discuss it before things get out of hand?
I know for me personally I will also discuss the topic of birth control and abortion. Those topics are important to me. If my potential husband does not agree with me, then that relationship is potentially a no go. He should at least agree to consider my perspective. If you can’t agree with them on something as big as family planning, then you have no business forming a relationship. You’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak for when you are ready to get married and already know they are not the one you want to spend your life with or start a family with.
Now another thing you need to discuss is what your intimacy desires in a marriage are. Do you want a highly sexual marriage, or are you not into that? What kind of things are you uncomfortable with? Are you open to trying new things or not? This could turn out to be a highly controversial issue later on if you don’t discuss it now. What if they are more comfortable with certain things than you are? But you never discussed that before marriage. Now you are stuck in an unsatisfying marriage which can breed trouble if left unaddressed. It gives room for potential infidelity, for them to seek satisfaction elsewhere.
I’m not saying it’s a no go situation if there are differences in your sexual preferences, I’m simply saying you need to decide if you are sexually compatible or if your differences will cause dissatisfaction. Figure out if it will create a rift in your marriage, or if it’s a negotiable thing that they or you are willing to let go of and be okay with. What if he wants and desires a highly sexual marriage and she’s just not into that? Is that something he is willing to give up, or will it cause him to seek those desires elsewhere? Is she willing to consider increasing her desire? Can you two come up with a solution that will keep you both satisfied? This topic is actually discussed in 1 Corinthians 7:1-17.
Also note, you should be discussing these topics not doing them! (1 Corinthians 7:32-39) The Bible is very clear about sex outside of marriage being a sin. So although this is something that is important, you should not allow it to be an open door to temptation. I recently found a page on Instagram called @thechristiansexeducator and I love her take on this topic. She openly talks about the need to be on the same page as a couple, while keeping your Christian values at the center of the relationship. She teaches from a biblical perspective, helping couples to remain pure until marriage, but not ignorant and naive. Go give her a follow if you have questions on how to navigate intimate conversations in a Godly and honoring way.
You need to have these serious conversations with them so that you can go into your marriage with no surprises and be fully prepared on how to handle different situations should they come up. Think of it as your marriage tool belt, will you be requiring a hammer to build your marriage, do you prefer to hold the hammer or hold the nail? Take the time to talk with them and get a game plan for your marriage. If you have differences in how you want your marriage to look, then discuss if it is a non negotiable issue or if it is a workable issue.
These are not first or second date kind of conversations. These will likely be conversations that comes up once you already have a pretty good idea of the direction of your relationship and whether or not a marriage would be in your future. If you are not comfortable having these kinds of conversations with them, then I’d argue that you may not be ready for a serious relationship with them. I can assure you that far more uncomfortable conversations will come up in a marriage.
Deep Thoughts With Nakia 