The next several posts in this series are on a topic of great importance but of sensitive material. My goal with this topic is to help you all develop a biblically founded view of marriage, dating, love, sex, and our own sexual nature. It is not my intention to convict anyone, although if you do feel convicted I encourage you to pray about it and talk to your spiritual leaders. I once heard that if you find that you are feeling offended about a certain subject that is a sign that it is an insecurity within you, and I propose that feeling may be stemming from conviction. So if you do feel offended, just know it’s probably a conviction from the Spirit. 

This first post is on the topic of sexuality. Lately I have felt such a strong urge to talk about this subject because I feel like the world has the loudest voice in this topic but the church does not speak loud enough to be heard over the noise. I feel like my generation of people are so heavily influenced by his topic with no real resources to turn to for help. So let’s dive in and start things off with some scriptures talking about sexual sin.

Mark 7:20-23 ‘And then he added, “It is what comes from inside that defiles you. For from within, out of a person’s heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these vile things come from within; they are what defile you.”’

1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 ‘God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways. Never harm or cheat a fellow believer in this matter by violating his wife, for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before. God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. ‘

First things first let’s establish this, any sexual act outside of a marriage between a husband and wife is a sin. But that does not mean that within a marriage is the only time that the topic of sex comes up in our minds. We as humans are all embedded with the innate need to reproduce. God gave us this desire as a command in Genesis. 

Genesis 1:22 Then God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply. Let the fish fill the seas, and let the birds multiply on the earth.”

Genesis 9:1 Then God blessed Noah and his sons and told them, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth.”

Genesis 9:7 “Now be fruitful and multiply, and repopulate the earth.”

Humans need to reproduce, this is a piece of our design. God created us male and female with the instincts and the desire to join together in marriage. Any other version is from Satan and is a twisted version from the one God designed. From the first two people in scripture, God set this boundary that man and woman be joined as one through sex. This is natural, no one taught Adam and Eve how to produce offspring, it was written in our very design.

Genesis 2:23-25 ‘“At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’

Genesis 4:1-2 ‘Now Adam had sexual relations with his wife, Eve, and she became pregnant. When she gave birth to Cain, she said, “With the Lord ’s help, I have produced a man!” Later she gave birth to his brother and named him Abel. When they grew up, Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground. ‘

Sex was created as a beautiful act that binds a husband and wife as one flesh. Never to be separated. This is an example of how our relationship with Christ ought to be through the Spirit. Unfortunately through the choice of sin, it has become corrupted and twisted. The world views it as an act of pure pleasure with no abiding consequence. But sex is neither evil nor free of consequence. 

Hebrews 13:4 ‘Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery. ‘

Every single person on earth will have sexual desire and arousal. It is how we handle it that determines its need for shame. For the purpose of today I will be talking specifically to unmarried folks. There are several reasons for this. The first is that I am not married so my perspective is from a single person’s. The second is because I have an entire separate segment on marriage. The third and the most important is because we are talking about regulating sexuality and the shame associated in this segment, and that does not apply within a marriage relationship. I will also not be addressing the topic of LGBTQ+ in this segment because that is discussed in a separate segment. See “I Kissed A Girl and I Liked It”

If you grew up in a Christian sphere chances are you are under the opinion that sex is taboo and a thing to be ashamed of and not something to be talked about. I am here to tell you that sex performed between a husband and wife is not shameful but something to be honored. It is when we allow the perversion of the world to influence us, and allow our innate desire to win that it becomes shameful. 

This means that even some Christians face this internal struggle of impure thoughts and actions. Unfortunately this is a consequence of living in a sin filled world where Satan lays claim to prowl around. His goal is to steal, kill and destroy by any means necessary and if that means convincing you to sin, or be consumed by guilt and shame from falling prey, then he will do his best to make it happen. We must do well to guard our hearts and minds from the evil one and not to allow ourselves to fall prey to evil thoughts. (For more on protecting against negative thoughts, check out my Identity series and the segment on thoughts.)

The problem of sexual sin, specifically porn, is a rampant issue within the church. I found these statistics about porn within the body of believers; 

• 70% of Christian youth pastors report that they have had at least one teen come to them for help in dealing with pornography in the past 12 months.
• 68% of church going men and over 50% of pastors view porn on a regular basis. Of young Christian adults 18-24 years old, 76% actively search for porn.
• 59% of pastors said that married men seek their help for porn use.
• 33% of women aged 25-and-under search for porn at least once per month.
• Only 13% of self identified Christian women say they never watch porn – 87% of Christian women have watched porn.
• 55% of married men and 25% of married women say they watch porn at least once a month.
• 57% of pastors say porn addiction is the most damaging issue in their congregation. And 69% say porn has adversely impacted the church.
• Only 7% of pastors say their church has a program to help people struggling with pornography.

The Bible has a lot to say on the subject of pornography as well we know David struggled with sexual sin from the example of his relationship to Bathsheba but even David knew that it was wrong to look at her in lust in the first place

Psalms 101:2-4 ‘I will be careful to live a blameless life— when will you come to help me? I will lead a life of integrity in my own home. I will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar. I hate all who deal crookedly; I will have nothing to do with them. I will reject perverse ideas and stay away from every evil. ‘

Porn takes away the potential bonding to your spouse because you have become attached to that rather than your spouse and now you crave the idea rather than the person so they cannot fulfill it properly.

So I propose this question, what should our response to sexual desire as a single Christian be? 

I have struggled with this question throughout my teen and adult life. I hear so many conflicting answers and so little information from a Christian perspective. It wasn’t until I opened up to my mentor about my question that I finally started to receive answers and be able to find an answer for myself. I have heard purity culture’s answer to this question and it basically is, you don’t respond, you shove it down, and ignore it and shame on you for feeling this way. I’ve heard society’s answer to the question and that is to embrace and explore it. Neither of these answers gave me any peace or satisfaction in my search for an answer. My mentor recommended a few resources to me that dramatically changed my perspective on sexuality as a single Christian. 

The first is a book that is not based on biblical values but helped me to understand that it isn’t the individual’s fault for experiencing their human sexuality. It happens to everyone and is solely based on natural processes, but your response is the thing that separates feeling from actions. The book she recommended was Come As You Are. If you do not have a strong belief in your faith and biblically based marriage values, I do not recommend this book. It encourages an immoral lifestyle. But for someone like me who knows that it is God’s desire that a single person should save themselves for marriage between a man and woman, the book did not challenge my beliefs or cause me to stumble.

The second resource she recommended was a book called The Gift of Sex, specifically a chapter on virginity. This chapter explains the difference between purity and virginity. I still have not read the whole book as I do not believe I am in the situation where it would be appropriate as it is written for married couples. But that chapter was healing for me. It is not commonly taught that there is a difference between virginity and purity, but there is. I think this subject alone can bring healing to so many who have been told there is no hope for them or that they are soiled for having fallen prey to sin.

• Virginity is the state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse.
• Purity is the quality or state of being pure. Freedom from immorality, especially of a sexual nature.

Okay so what do these two definitions mean? “Purity is a state of being morally good, while virginity is the state of never having had sex. Purity is a broader concept that can include a person’s thoughts, actions, and relationships. ” (AI Overview, google.com). What does that mean though? Basically you can be a virgin and impure, and you can no longer be a virgin and still be pure. They are not interchangeable. Purity can be restored once lost, virginity cannot. But that does not mean that hope is lost if you are no longer a virgin and are unmarried. 

It is also important to note that there is a difference between sex and intercourse. Intercourse is the actual physical joining of the male and female reproductive organs, whereas sex is any sexual interaction involving an intention to increase desire and arousal. So for the purpose of this study I want to be clear, losing your virginity typically is associated with intercourse, whereas losing purity is associated with sexual activities.

The bible is very clear on the concept of sex outside of marriage between a man and a woman (let’s just say the consequence is pretty serious, aka death and not inheriting the kingdom of God).

1 Corinthians 6:9 ‘Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, ‘

So I am by no means saying behaving immorally is acceptable. But your purity can be restored after having been compromised through forgiveness and a repentant heart.

But what I am saying is that the message being sent to young people is very muddled and confusing. I want to help bring healing to those who have been hurt and confused by these mixed messages and harsh words that may have been said. The heart of the purity culture is that God desires us to save ourselves for marriage and there are consequences for our actions. Which is good, but I say that does not mean we should feel shame around natural desires. 

The next resource I found was an Instagram page called The Christian Sex Educator. While I do not agree 100% with everything she says, she is very good at helping Christian singles understand their sexuality from a biblical standpoint. I recently went through her Sexuality for Singles course and I loved her perspective on how to face this topic. She explains the difference between arousal and desire, and emphasizes the fact that acting on either would be against God’s desires. But yet they are natural human functions, placed there by God for a reason. To be celebrated and embraced within marriage. 

First, arousal and desire can happen involuntarily, it is not sinful and it is not shameful. It is to be recognized and dissipated. It is no different from hunger or pain. It stems from God’s design of our body reacting to natural stimuli. It is a good thing. But allowing arousal or desire to grow by dwelling or acting on it, is where we shift into territory displeasing to the Lord. You have likely all experienced one or both of these in your life from many different stimuli. There is no shame in having experienced desire or arousal. One day when you are married I pray you continue to feel these feelings and enjoy the gift God blesses you within marriage, but until then it needs to stay there.

As humans we have natural processes our bodies go through in preparation for reproduction. Hormones fluctuate all the time. Sometimes desire and arousal can simply be a surge of hormones or even just increased circulation (like during exercise) that you have no control over. I know women often experience increased desire during a certain time in their hormonal cycle, God created this to prepare our bodies to carry a baby. And men experience arousal while working out, just from increased blood flow this is also a design from God. Neither are wrong nor perverted.

There are many ways to help navigate these feelings and experiences, especially if you find them as stumbling blocks and you are prone to giving in to these temptations. Some helpful tools can be memorized scripture (see Jesus’ temptation as an example), a worship song, removing yourself from the environment, prayer, accountability with a trusted friend, changing your thoughts, and more. Give yourself permission to be curious about why you are feeling the way you are. Was it a response to something in your environment? Is there something you can change to avoid the temptation to sin? 

The bible is clear on what our reaction to sexual temptation should be

1 Corinthians 6:18 “’Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. ”

Again, I want to emphasize that these feelings are not sinful, your reaction is the door to sin. I will give you an example of a situation you have probably all experienced in your life. You are watching a movie and a sex scene begins, you notice your body responding to the scene. You have one of two choices: you can fast forward the scene in order to dissipate the feelings, or you can choose to continue watching. Should you continue watching you can choose to allow those feelings to grow and you act on them or you can choose to ignore them and let them naturally pass. 

Only one of these situations leads to sin. All of them involve the same set of factors, the choice is yours. I say this with all the love in my heart and as someone who has faced these situations and feelings and have chosen both the right way and the wrong way to go about this situation. The main thing in this situation is to remember the verse in the Bible that says: 

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ‘Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.’

1 Corinthians 10:31 ‘So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.’

It is also important to remember that lust is a sin. Dwelling on a sexual thought is lust, and is therefore a sin. It is not unforgivable, but it is not the time or place to think about such thoughts. If you are married then thinking about your spouse sexually is not a sin. There is a time and a place for sex and that is within the bounds of marriage.

‭‭Job‬ ‭31‬:‭11‬-‭12 “For lust is a shameful sin, a crime that should be punished. It is a fire that burns all the way to hell. It would wipe out everything I own.” ‬ ‭‬‬

If you have fallen prey to sin and indulged in a sexual relationship outside of marriage, I want you to know that it is not THE unforgivable sin. You can still be brought back into purity and made clean through the forgiveness of Christ. He died so that we don’t have to be condemned for our sins, we have hope for redemption. This is the importance between purity and virginity, purity can be restored no matter who you are and what you have done. You can still enter into a marriage that can be holy and sanctified. Unfortunately because sin does have a price of natural consequences we cannot erase the physical consequences of our sins. So you do have to be honest and upfront with your spouse and work through the healing from past mistakes. But there is nothing God cannot restore and you are still loved and cherished by Him. 

The final resource I have to offer is a podcast called Kingdom Sexuality. A lot of their posts are for a married audience so choose wisely on what you listen to, but some of it is very informational for a single person looking to expand their knowledge in preparation for marriage one day. Things like “Love Languages”, “Sexual Confidence God’s Way”, “Busting Myths”, “Purity”, “Shame”, “Mindset”, and so on. They also have an Instagram page, but I do not recommend following that because it is for a married audience.

In conclusion I hope you learned something from this or that I prompted you to study what you believe about our sexuality as Children of God. I want to reemphasize that God’s desire is for all of us to walk in alignment with His will and to lean into His unfailing love and forgiveness. So if you have allowed yourself to stray from a close and personal relationship with the Lord due to sin and shame, please know that there is forgiveness, you simply must repent and seek the Lord’s forgiveness and guidance.