Countering Culture with Scripture

Welcome back to my series of Countering Culture with Scripture. In this series I’m getting you thinking about what the world says vs what the Bible says. This post is about the concept of a premarital sexual relationship. Last post we talked about our sexuality as Christian singles, so if you haven’t read that one yet, you should. Because now we will be talking about how our sexuality plays into a romantic relationship outside of marriage. I will be addressing some of the most common questions in regards to premarital relationships.

Are premarital sexual relations a sin? 

Should couples live together before marriage? 

How far is too far?

First I want to address my previous post where I explained that sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed within the covenant of a marriage. Nowhere else is sex permissible. Second, I want to reinstate that God is clear about adultery being a sin. After considering that sex is confined to the marriage bed, and adultery is considered as sex with someone you are not married to, we can conclude that sex outside of marriage would be considered adultery and fornication.

Fornication: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other.

(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fornication)

Consider this, God’s design for us is to live holy and pure lives, he created us to crave human connection and designed our bodies to reproduce. He also fashioned marriage to be a fulfillment of this design. It is not, however, within God’s will that every person be married (1 Corinthians 7) so some are meant to please God through their mission work as a single. I believe that if it is within God’s design for you to be married he is fashioning and forming a perfect spouse for you that will allow both of you to further the kingdom of God together. So in this instance we can assume that God desires you to stay pure for your spouse and living an impure life is committing adultery/fornication because you are not married to that person.

Third, we know that the Lord Jesus addressed this directly in Matthew where he specifically stated even lusting in your heart is committing adultery. 

Matthew 5:27-28 ‘ “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.’

I also talked in my last post about pornography being a sin and I believe this is worth mentioning again. Porn would be the very definition of looking upon someone with lust i.e. adultery according to Jesus. If it is adultery to think or desire for someone then it is most definitely adultery to commit an act with someone. The Old Testament was quite clear on the concept of adultery and having sex with someone you are not married to. Let’s read what it says.

Deuteronomy 22:22-29 ‘“If a man is discovered committing adultery, both he and the woman must die. In this way, you will purge Israel of such evil. “Suppose a man meets a young woman, a virgin who is engaged to be married, and he has sexual intercourse with her. If this happens within a town, you must take both of them to the gates of that town and stone them to death. The woman is guilty because she did not scream for help. The man must die because he violated another man’s wife. In this way, you will purge this evil from among you. “But if the man meets the engaged woman out in the country, and he rapes her, then only the man must die. Do nothing to the young woman; she has committed no crime worthy of death. She is as innocent as a murder victim. Since the man raped her out in the country, it must be assumed that she screamed, but there was no one to rescue her. “Suppose a man has intercourse with a young woman who is a virgin but is not engaged to be married. If they are discovered, he must pay her father fifty pieces of silver. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he may never divorce her as long as he lives. ‘

Leviticus 21:14 “He may not marry a widow, a woman who is divorced, or a woman who has defiled herself by prostitution. She must be a virgin from his own clan,…”

Exodus‬ ‭22‬:‭16‬-‭17 ‬“If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged to anyone and has sex with her, he must pay the customary bride price and marry her. But if her father refuses to let him marry her, the man must still pay him an amount equal to the bride price of a virgin.”

Seems to me like God designed sex to be within marriage and if you break that, it’s pretty serious. Defiling a virgin for fun has life long consequences, I hope they were worth it. If you don’t feel like marrying the one you take the virginity of, then maybe don’t. It seems like the idea of pleasure and instant gratification is rampant in our society. Fun takes the place of morals. But just because it feels good and it’s what your body was designed to crave, doesn’t mean you should do it. 

1 Corinthians 6:9-20 ‘Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. And God will raise us from the dead by his power, just as he raised our Lord from the dead. Don’t you realize that your bodies are actually parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which is part of Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never! And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, “The two are united into one.” But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him. Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.’

1 Corinthians 10:6-8,23-24,31 ‘These things happened as a warning to us, so that we would not crave evil things as they did, or worship idols as some of them did. As the Scriptures say, “The people celebrated with feasting and drinking, and they indulged in pagan revelry.” And we must not engage in sexual immorality as some of them did, causing 23,000 of them to die in one day. You say, “I am allowed to do anything” —but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others. So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. ‘

The scripture is clear, God created your bodies for worship of him, not for self gratification and glorification. No other sin is as affecting to our bodies as sexual sin. Think about all of the consequences of an immoral sexual relationship; STD’s, unplanned pregnancies, affected marriages, affected self worth and value, the list goes on. Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, the very indwelling place of God. Why desecrate the temple of the Lord with sin?

Jesus knows your weaknesses and shortcomings, he has lived here on earth and has seen the things we tell ourselves. He can see the pain and suffering we endure and the poor choices we make. The following two passages are interactions Jesus had with sexually immoral women.

John 4:15-19 ‘“Please, sir,” the woman said, “give me this water! Then I’ll never be thirsty again, and I won’t have to come here to get water.” “Go and get your husband,” Jesus told her. “I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied. Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband— for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!” “Sir,” the woman said, “you must be a prophet. ‘ 

John 8:3-11 ‘As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd. “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?” They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust. When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” 

The Samaritan woman had been living immorally with several men, but Jesus didn’t cast her away and refuse to talk to her, but instead convicted her of her sin and forgave her. In the same manner, this woman had literally been caught in the act of committing adultery-a punishment of death according to the law. But Jesus looks on her with grace and forgiveness. He knew exactly what she did, yet chose to let it go. But notice how he never accepted their sin as right. He made sure they knew what they did was wrong, allowing the proper guilt and shame to convict them. But then forgave them and told them to sin no more.

Paul talks a lot about living a life according to the Spirit, one of the biggest hot takes he brings up continually is the life lived according to the flesh and the unfortunate outcome that brings. Paul writes a lot about sexual sin, mostly because it was very common among the gentiles in the places he went. He is pretty clear that anyone not living according to the Spirit will not inherit the Kingdom of God. He has to reiterate and be so strong because the temptation was so great with that early church, and I feel we are facing the same temptations.

Ephesians 5:3-8,31 ‘Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. Don’t participate in the things these people do. For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” ‘

Galatians 5:19-25 ‘When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. ‘

I want to highlight one concept that is talked about in Galatians 5, we see direct opposition within the fruits of the Spirit vs the fruits of the flesh. Let’s break it down; 

• There can be no true love when there is lustful pleasure. 
• There can be no joy when there is hostility, jealousy, and envy.
• There can be no peace when there is dissension, quarrels, and division.
• There can be no patience when there are outbursts of anger, sexual immorality, and selfish ambition.
• There can be no kindness and gentleness when there is hostility, divisions, drunkenness, wild parties and the like.
• There can be no goodness when there is impurity, sorcery, selfish ambition, and wild parties.
• There can be no faithfulness when there is lustful pleasures, sexual immorality, impurity, division, envy, and jealousy.
• And there definitely cannot be any self control when there are any of these present.

So you see living according to the flesh is in direct opposition to living according to the Spirit, so why try and dabble wherever you please in sin?

Paul is also clear that when experiencing a lack of self control and an overwhelming desire for lustful pleasure, it is okay to bend the knee and commit to that person. 

1 Corinthians 7:8-9,36-38 ‘But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if a man thinks that he’s treating his fiancé improperly and will inevitably give in to his passion, let him marry her as he wishes. It is not a sin. But if he has decided firmly not to marry and there is no urgency and he can control his passion, he does well not to marry. So the person who marries his fiancé does well, and the person who doesn’t marry does even better. ‘

This passage especially pertains to the conversation of couples living together before marriage. Paul is saying that if it makes sense to be joined as life partners, then just do it. Don’t test the waters to see if you like it with a fail safe of being able to back out if it isn’t your cup of tea. That’s ridiculous. Your partner isn’t your car, you don’t need to test drive them first. If you choose to live together before marriage, then what is the difference (other than the spiritual, financial, tax, and emotional benefits, and frankly every aspect except convenience)? Just sign a contract and forget about it, go back to doing what you do. If finances are the reason then why in the world are you practicing to have a baby? If you’re not careful it might just accidentally happen and you better be prepared. 

If you are truly committing yourself to the Spirit and allowing God to lead in your life, then don’t you trust him to make your sexual desires compatible? There are other ways of finding out your sexual compatibility. If you were doing your sexual nature God’s way, the only sex and so therefore the best sex you’ll ever have would be with your spouse. Experience is a skill to be learned. Why should you care if Dillon is a good kisser or Susie has good moves if you don’t plan on marrying them? And if you do plan on marrying them, then wait. It will be even better if you wait. This is where patience and self control come into play. 

Song of Songs 2:7 ‘Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right. ‘

2 Peter 1:3-9 ‘By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires. In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins. ‘

Now let’s go back to the topic of God’s design for sex. Other than to reproduce, God created sex as an act to bond a husband and wife, to create an unbreakable connection. Science has been able to prove this through multiple studies. One resource I found on the topic is from Familylife.com 

“During sexual intercourse, in the female brain there are more receptors for oxytocin, and in the male brain there are more receptors for vasopressin. Both hormones cause the person to feel emotionally attached to the other, even with just one act of intercourse…
So those in a relationship not only have the dopamine that rewards them for the repeating of the act, but also the oxytocin and the vasopressin that makes them feel attached… You become attached, addicted, bonded to each other. All of this results in actual physical changes in the brain. When these hormones flow and send their impulses, they dramatically affect connections or synapses between the neurons in the brain. Those synapses actually are strengthened when we repeat a behavior or they are weakened when we stop. So, when you repeatedly attach and unattach with multiple sexual partners you actually weaken the ability to stay connected. Studies have shown that when people have had multiple sexual partners before marriage they are more likely to divorce because they actually weaken the pathways that are necessary to attach at the deep and necessary emotional level important for marriage.” 

Bush, F., & McIlhaney, J., (2008). Hooked: The Bonding Power of Sex. FamilyLife. https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/parenting-challenges/sexual-wholeness/hooked-the-bonding-power-of-sex/

So God literally created our brains to crave our spouse and become addicted to them. This also means that sex outside of marriage takes away from the fullness of a bond between a husband and wife. This is why God created man and woman to come together in marriage as one flesh. We become physically attached to one another when we engage in sexual acts.

So now we come to the question of how far is too far? Honestly that is a question that can be only answered between you and God. Many people have different ideas of what constitutes sexual sin. I will say that Jesus gives us a pretty good idea in Matthew 5:27-28 (see first listed verse) and Paul backs it up many times. So technically Jesus says even thinking about it is a sin. But okay, let’s be realistic, we are human and life cannot be lived perfectly. 

So you’re in a serious relationship, you really like this person and you’ve both agreed you want to save each other for marriage. How far is too far? I’d like to refer back to my last post where we talked about desire and arousal. These are natural processes that will be felt by everyone. But in the context of a relationship, do you pursue those feelings and see how close you can come to the real deal, or do you dissipate them? That’s up to you, your partner, and God.

Some couples decide that based on their personal beliefs and the relationship they have, they choose to not even kiss so as to avoid all potential temptation. Some do not have that conviction and choose to even go as far as touching and exploring with each other. It’s not for me to say who is wrong and who is right as far as boundaries.

Here’s my two cents. If the Lord Jesus were in the room with you, how far is too far? Would he be pleased by your behavior? If your answer is no, then maybe rethink your boundaries. It’s good to have certain boundaries in place so that the two of you can avoid breaking them. What those boundaries are, can only be decided between you two and God. It should never be the decision of anyone else unless you are placed under their authority (i.e. parents or guardians or leaders in certain environments). I also want to reiterate that it should also be according to your relationship with God. He should be the driving force and foundation for your boundaries. Otherwise they are pointless and only a challenge to be broken. Boundaries must come with conviction and respect, otherwise they don’t work.

Romans 13:13-14 ‘Because we belong to the day, we must live decent lives for all to see. Don’t participate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness, or in sexual promiscuity and immoral living, or in quarreling and jealousy. Instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires.’

Colossians 3:5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.

2 Corinthians 12:21 Yes, I am afraid that when I come again, God will humble me in your presence. And I will be grieved because many of you have not given up your old sins. You have not repented of your impurity, sexual immorality, and eagerness for lustful pleasure.

I want to be so clear when I say that sexual attraction to your current boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance is a very good thing. It means you have a desire for sexual intimacy with them. If you were not attracted to them, then I would be concerned about your motives. No marriage is what God desires if there is no physical attraction. You will never be truly satisfied and fulfilled in that marriage. You can never become one flesh if you do not bond in intimacy. 

I will use an experience I had as an example, my first boyfriend was a great guy, we bonded quickly and found our dreams and values aligned. We also formed a strong attraction for one another, which made our relationship difficult as it was long distance. Unfortunately we did not handle these attractions in the way that I would consider to be pleasing to the Lord. We ended up breaking up due to this and other reasons. 

Fast forward a few years later to my next boyfriend. Again our dreams and goals and most of our values aligned. But I never felt a spark or an attraction. Yes I thought he was handsome, but there was never a desire for intimacy. Ultimately our differing beliefs ended up being the reason I broke it off but even if our beliefs had been perfectly aligned, I could not in good conscience continue a relationship in which it looked good on paper but had to be forced emotionally. I am not saying I would never have felt that spark, but there was no reason in trying if there was no future to be had. Because of this the Lord led me to break things off.

So what did my experience teach me? Even if everything looks good on paper you must be in tune with what the Father has for you. A strong attraction is good, and none is bad. But don’t let that be your only guiding source in whether a relationship is meant to be. Don’t give in to your sexual attraction because they may not be the one the Lord desires for you.

Again, just as in the story of the woman caught in adultery, sexual sin is not unforgivable so if you have failed in your relationship there is forgiveness and healing. You can start over with a clean slate. I talked about this in the last post about sexuality. Don’t feel too ashamed to confess and repent and if needed, seek trustworthy people to hold you accountable. Don’t allow yourself in tempting positions or environments. Invite the Lord into your relationship, He can and will help you through any temptation. But most of all remember to fully commit yourself to the guidance of the Spirit and live so that the Fruits of the Spirit will be evident in your life, most importantly self-control, patience, love, and faithfulness.